Farewell Friend!

you know what i cant stand..i cant stand when i don't know what emotion i am feeling..a really good Friend of mine is going back to school..and i know that i am really going to miss her and that i feel like i want to cry but i know I'm not..like I'm going back in my shell again..i am a very complicated person to someone who does not know me..i think so much..sometimes i cant sleep at might because i just keep thinking and thinking and thinking..and you know what messed up about that? i don't get any conclusions from it..i just think about this and that but never get an answer..and i can never seem to be able to explain what i was/am thinking which makes me angry..

you know lately with not knowing how I'm feeling drives me insane..at times i don't know if i am feeling angry..sad..frustrated..confused..happy..tired..scared..maybe its because i am feeling all of them at the same time that i just don't notice it..either way its not a good thing..

my friend is going back to school and when i think about it i don't know how i feel..i wish i did because then i would know what to expect when she leaves..she is a very good friend of mine..a very good teacher and mentor..i don't want her to leave but that's just selfish..because if she doesn't leave then she wouldn't graduate..and that i do not want to happen..she asked me today who i am going to be accountable to when she leaves..the answer to that is no one..i am just going to live and see if i can do it..i don't know what kind of changes are to come in the next little while..i know i should be scared because times change everyday..i just hate goodbyes..and i hate crying in front of people..things are defiantly going to be different but who knows maybe everything will work out okay..maybe she is going to be back soon..i don't know the answer but what i do know is that she is a really awesome person and the passion this girl has for the Lord..she is always learning new thing and teaching things she knows to others..i have come to trust her so much..she is part of my family..living the best we can..she has been drilling this into my head the last little while..."No Excuses!!"
man if i really lived by that things would work out a lot better..i love to procrastinate..which is stupid because then it just puts more stress on myself..the things we talk about are things i don't want do but most of the times she can get it out of me..lately though i have been holding back..i know it is going to be hard fore me when she leaves so i just want to try and soften the blow a bit you know what i mean..i am really going to miss her..i have this..i will call it..my not so secret..it is something i do that i know i shouldn't..i know she doesn't want me to do it but honestly right now i cant really say anything because no excuses...but for some reason i just wont do it..its like i don't have the strength to do it..which makes me not want to talk about it because it makes me look weak..i know that she has the best of intentions for me but i can be so stubborn at times..well she knows i love her and that i have made a friend for life no matter what happens in the next few months..and even though i told her i would not cry when she leaves i know i will..and so does she.

thanks for your friendship and your patience with me..you are a great leader and mentor my friend..no matter what happens i am happy for you because you are taking the next step up in life..God Bless you homie


"God treats us too well to give us some of the things we ask for" -Timothy Jones